The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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