listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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