I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
