A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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