so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
