and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
