Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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