Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
