So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
