my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
