can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
