The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
PANTIES FOUND
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