A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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