NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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