I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
