I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
