I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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