guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
