Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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