I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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