Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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