I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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