what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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