Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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