I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
