I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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