What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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