She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
