so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
