So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
