You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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