his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
