Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
