my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
As shirtless as possible
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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