Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize