What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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