She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
