The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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