Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
