Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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