She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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