Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
