Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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