just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
