also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I have fence marks all over my body
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
