I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
being pregnant is like rehab
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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