I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
