I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
