Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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