shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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