Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
