I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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