im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
