When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
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I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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