So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
