Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
