every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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