He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
